All By Myself:

I'm new at this living-alone stuff -- torn between liking it and hating it (notice I didn't say loving it).

When I get home from work, everything is exactly the way I left it. I don't have to pick up anyone's clothes, take a glass to the sink, or fold up the newspaper.

When I open the frig, my favorite berries are still there waiting for me, the bread is wrapped tight to keep the air out, and I don't have to shake the milk carton to see if there's enough to pour a whole glass.

When the TV is turned on -- at my pleasure -- I can flip around between Law & Order, Turner Classic Movies or Lifetime's Project Runway. I can even watch the Independent Film Channel or PBS' Masterpiece Theatre without being run out of the room. And I don't ever-never-ever have to watch NBA Basketball or Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends again!

When I shower I have plenty of hot water and take as long as I want. The shampoo bottle is standing upside down the way I left it, the soap dish actually holds a bar of soap, and the back brush is actually hanging on its hook. When I step out of the tub, the towels are folded neatly on the shelf and smell good; I don't have to pick one off the pile and sniff it before drying off.

Will I get used to this way of living or will I always miss the way it used to be... will my heart always ache? As I stand in the kitchen cooking dinner, it is quiet, profoundly quiet. I miss the noises. I miss all the lovely sounds filling our home: Miss B upstairs in her room on the computer, listening to music; Miss H lying on her bed giggling with the telephone pressed to her ear; Miss E in the girls bath cleaning up after soccer practice, dropping shoes and shinguards on the floor; my husband in the garage listening to a football game on the radio while tinkering with his tools. And now, the freshest missing -- Miss M in the den playing tea party with Bitty Baby and Cookie monster.

This is going to take some time... for right now though, I feel like Bridget Jones: "All by myself, don't wanna be all by myself anymore..."

A Hearty Warning:

Don't know if you are like me, but I know FOR SURE that in my lifetime I have constructed a very long and very wide road to hell... you know, "paved with good intentions."

So, to help those who need help -- here's your end of the month reminder/warning: Valentine's Day is only 17 days away!!! All of my Valentines live out of town so I need to get my cookies, popcorn and cards made, packed up and shipped out! And since the fourteenth is a Sunday this year, that means -- for mailing purposes -- I only have 16 days!

Recipes and card artwork to follow!

Sacred Doodling Space:

Have you ever heard of Laurel Lukaszewski? Laurel is an artist who creates installations and sculptures primarily from clay -- usually porcelain or stoneware. Most of Laurel's works are composed of extruded forms resembling 3-D line drawings or calligraphic brushstrokes. Her work is based on line, rhythm and form, playing with positive and negative space. Some of her pieces are just a few inches and some are as large as sixteen feet. They are created from her study of Japanese Buddhist mandalas... and the product of incessant doodling. Pretty amazing doodling I'd say!

A Gift for You:

this Tuesday morning... beautiful, beautiful music by Dmitri Shostakovich (1906-1975), Piano Concerto No. 2 in F, written for his son Maxim's high school graduation. This version is conducted by Maxim and the piano is played by his son Dmitri Shostakovich Jr. (father, son, grandson).

Let me try to describe the way it makes me feel: When the piano answers the strings and wind instruments, it sounds forlorn but happy at the same time. I close my eyes and feel like I'm floating on a raft down a soft current in dappled sunlight. The light is blinking on my eyelids and the rays are warm on my face but the water is cool underneath.

Close your eyes and try visualizing that scene. Like I said, truly this is a gift for you.

Yummy, Yummy, In My Tummy:

I love winter food -- the soups, the stews, the gumbos, the casseroles, the crock-pot meals... you know, rib-sticking-hot-steamy-comfort food. But for some reason this week I've been craving tacos. Being a bonafide Texan, I do love my Tex-Mex Tacos just as much as the next cowgirl, but what I'm cra-cra-craving right now is Korean Tacos, albeit Fo-Korean Tacos! Wish we had street food vendors like they do in other big cities... it seems we are always on the other side of the trend periphery! Anyway, homemade will have to do. Try this pork version and be sure to load it with plenty of Napa-Romaine Slaw and/or Cucumber Kimchi and/or bean sprouts and/or cilantro... and don't forget the fresh lime squeeze. Yummy, yummy!

Spicy Pork/Dwaeji Bulgogi

Makes enough for about 12 tacos

1 pound pork shoulder, thinly sliced (preferably from a Korean or Japanese market)

3 tablespoons coarse-ground hot Korean red pepper powder

1 tablespoons soy sauce

1 tablespoon sugar

1 tablespoon Asian sesame oil

1 tablespoon minced garlic

2 tablespoons mirin pinch of black pepper
Combine all ingredients and marinate at least 2 hours or up to 24 hours. Cook meat on a grill or in a skillet, then chop for tacos.

Napa-Romaine Slaw
Makes about 6 cups, enough for many tacos, with leftovers

For the dressing:

1 tablespoon soy sauce

1-1/2 teaspoons lime juice

1-1/2 teaspoons toasted sesame oil

1/4 teaspoon sugar

For the salad:

4 cups (5 ounces) shredded romaine lettuce

2 cups (3 ounces) shredded Napa cabbage

1/2 cup (2 ounces) thinly sliced onion toasted sesame seeds for garnish
Toss the salad in a large bowl with 1 tablespoon of the dressing. Add more dressing to taste and garnish generously with sesame seeds.

Cucumber Kimchi
15 to 20 small cucumbers, the kind that are used to make dill pickles, or the equivalent amount of any other type of cucumber

3 green onions, chopped

1/4 small yellow onion, chopped

2 flat tablespoons crushed red pepper flakes (ka choo kah roo)

1 teaspoon vinegar

1 tablespoon honey
Give the cucumbers a good rinse, then chop them into bite-size pieces. Put them in a large bowl, add about two flat tablespoons of sea salt, and toss well. Allow salted pickles to sit overnight at room temperature, or at least for a couple of hours. The salt helps draw moisture out of the cucumbers, which creates a natural brine. Add 1/2 to 1 full teaspoon of minced raw garlic, chopped green and yellow onions, chili flakes, honey, and vinegar. Put on a pair of gloves to protect your skin against the heat of the pepper and give everything a good toss. Pack your cucumber kimchi away into glass bottles, and don't forget to add a bit of brine to each one - just a couple of tablespoons of brine per bottle will do. Leave capped bottles of cucumber kimchi out in room temperature for 24 to 48 hours to give it a chance to ferment. After 24 to 48 hours, transfer the bottles to your refrigerator.
You can serve cucumber kimchi with just about anything.

The Common Courtesy Basics:

Everyone knows the rules but I think sometimes we forget. I urge every mother to copy this and laminate it and give it to each one of your children -- boys and girls alike -- even if they are fully grown!

In case you can't read the copy above of the very, very old Tiffany & Co. newspaper ad:

There Are Times

To hold open a door,

To surrender your seat,

To thank someone, in writing,

To let bygones be gone,

To remember your parents,

To listen with care,

To surprise with a gift,

To mind your table manners,

To honor tradition,

To give voice to your heart.

The Pistilli Roman:

Just discovered "Parliament - A Creative Company." Interesting and thought provoking place... lots of young guys and young ideas.

I love-love-love typeography so I was amused by the following quiz provided by Parliament. Please take a few minutes... it's fun! The pentagram “what type are you” quiz. (where it asks for a password use the word: character). I'm Pistilli Roman... spot on, I'd say!

The Fashion Stylist:
While I was rummaging around in my closet and finding the Cilla Black LP, I also found an old fashion magazine (a really, really old fashion magazine!) from The Sixties. The magazine pages seemed frozen in time, and yet, as modern as a copy of this month’s Vogue. It was full of “Swinging London.” Faces of women with names like Tania Mallet, Jean Shrimpton, Pattie Boyd, and Twiggy looked back at me. The fashions were created by people with names like Mary Quant, Pierre Balmain, Ungaro, and Yves Saint Laurent. And the black and white images were caught by the camera lenses of talented photographers with names like David Bailey, Terence Donovan, Patrick Lichfield, and -- my favorite -- John French.

John French was one of London’s top fashion photographers of the 1950s and 1960s, an era when those who wore and photographed clothing for a living could become famous overnight. The models he worked with included the most famous of the time, many were debutantes who went on to become well-known society figures. French was hugely influential, in particular for his use of natural light and bringing fashion photography into the mainstream mass media. He persuaded the art editors of the national press to use his flawlessly lit images of top models and his work appeared in virtually every newspaper and magazine.

After his death in 1966, the John French archive was presented to the Victoria and Albert Museum, the worlds greatest museum of decorative arts and design, and his work has been celebrated as part of a major exhibition “The Golden Age of Couture.” John French in one word: timeless.

The New England Mystic:

"Love is anterior to life,
posterior to death,
initial of creation,
and the exponent of breath."

-Emily Dickinson, 1830-1886

The Heart Whisperer:

I've been holed up in my room upstairs, keeping warm, painting A LOT, and listening to Christian Scott who fills my brain with energy and makes the hours fly. A song I love, love, love is Like This off his "Rewind That" album.

Along with being an amazing trumpeter, Scott is an artist, athlete, composer, fashion hound, Grammy winner, philanthropist, and twin. Born in New Orleans, Christin Scott has been heralded as "the architect of a new viable fusion." And not since Miles Davis have I been so taken in by a musician.

"By manipulating his breathing temperature and articulation, he can procure a sound unlike the trumpet and more like a whispering human voice." JazzTimes magazine

Can't wait for the February 2010 release of his new album, "Yesterday You Said Tomorrow." I'm sure it will be an 18-karat, barn burner!

Globalization:

I cannot comprehend what life must've been like for my great-great-grandmother Caroline. She was born in 1854 -- one hundred years before me.

She was born before the light bulb was invented, before the refrigerator, typewriter, chewing gum, telephone, automobile, ballpoint pen, zipper, radio, tractor, washing machine, bra, parachute, stainless steel, antibiotics, and insulin. She died before nylon and the helicopter were invented. Heck, the laser, jet engine, birth-control pill, integrated circuit and the computer weren't invented until after I was born... not to mention, pocket calculators, and videocassette recorders. Within the past thirty years, the personal computer, email, the mobile phone, the artificial heart, the internet, the world-wide web, GPS (global positioning system), DNA fingerprinting and human genome sequencing have been invented. It boggles the mind.

Caroline probably only knew, or knew of, less than 100 people in her life. And I bet she traveled less than a fifty-mile radius from her home. I think she could read and write, but I'm sure her reading was limited to a few things like the Bible and Jane Austen's books.

Today everywhere I turned, there it was... in the newspaper, on television news reports and on the computer screen... hundreds of images of a place called Haiti.

I'm thinking I'd like to live in 1854.

Found An Old LP:

My brother was born in 1948 and my sister in 1950, four years later I came along. As teenagers, they introduced me to the music of The Sixties. And because I was only eight-years-old and was outnumbered two-to-one, I listened to whatever they listened to. The car radio was set at 50,000-watt KOMA 92.5 for "Top-40 Rock & Roll." In the bedroom I shared with my sister, phonograph albums of pop musicians were stacked on a turntable that played endlessly. Needless to say, that music was the soundtrack of my life!

While cleaning out a closet the other day, I found an old LP... all by itself, no jacket or sleeve, just the big black vinyl record with the oh-so-familiar Capitol label in the middle. After putting on my reading glasses, I discovered that it was an album by Cilla Black. Talk about being thrown through a hole in time! I can't tell you how many times in my youth I played this album over and over and over again. But how I ended up with the LP, I'm not sure. One day long ago, my Mother was probably getting rid of "junk" and said, "Who wants this?" I must've grabbed it.

Interesting tidbits: Cilla Black was discovered by The Beatles (uh huh, you knew there would be a Beatles connection, right?) She was the only female client of Brian Epstein (John Lennon convinced him to take her on). Her first record was produced by George Martin and was written for her by Lennon/McCartney, "Love of the Loved." Her first Number One hit was a Burt Bacharach/Hal David tune, "Anyone Who Had A Heart." Other hits of hers included: Alfie, It's For You, You're My World, Is It Love, Love Letters, You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling (before The Righteous Brothers and Maverick!), and tons more. Dionne Warwick did a lot of cover songs of hers. I don't remember hearing much about her, but she was popular at the same time as Lulu, Dusty Springfield, and Petula Clark. She was the first female to have her own television show in the U.K. and from what I gather, she continues to entertain today.

Neon Orangeness:

I love Cheetos. Not going to apologize for it.

I love Crunchy Cheetos. I don't like the puffy ones. I don't like the flamin' hot ones. I don't like the big ones. I don't like the baked ones. I don't like the paws, twists, balls, nor whirls. And I don't like Chester.

In 2010, I am striving to eat healthfully, generally make sure that my food is indeed made out of food and not supremely processed, over-salted and preserved food-like substances. I love lentils and brown rice and have put away a fair amount of tofu in my time. But then there are Cheetos. I cannot explain my love for Cheetos. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Maybe it started in grade school when I would pull apart my PB&J and load my sandwich with the crunchy, cheesy pieces. Or maybe I got hooked by the vending machine in high school which provided my daily kick of the neon sticks. They are so good in such a bad way.

The last time I splurged on the dietary horror that is a bag of Cheetos, I did what I have long since trained myself not to do –- I looked at the ingredient list. YIKES! What I want to know: What is all that chemical garbage is doing in my food? Why is it there? What role does it serve? The internet came to the rescue of this miniature chemistry lesson. The following is the (almost) complete ingredient list from a bag of Cheetos:

Enriched corn meal -- with all usual vitamin supplements
Vegetable oil
Salt -- the third ingredient on the list (No wonder I love Cheetos!)
Maltodextrin -- polysaccharide produced from starch (rice, corn or potato); easily digestible and absorbed as easily as glucose
Sugar
Monosodium glutamate –- an amino acid that acts as a potent flavor enhancer. MSG triggers the umami taste receptors, making food taste more savory
Autolyzed yeast extract -- often contains free glutamic acids and is, for that reason, used as a supplement to MSG. “…consists of concentrations of yeast cells that are allowed to die and break up, so that the yeasts’ digestive enzymes break their proteins down into simpler compounds.”
Citric acid –- used for tart flavor and as an antioxidant
Artificial color –- apparently, neon orange doesn’t come easily, Cheetos are colored by no fewer than four food dyes!
Partially hydrogenated soybean and cottonseed oil
Hydorlyzed soy protain –- “…Soy protein is used for emulsification and texturizing. Specific applications include adhesives, asphalts, resins, cleaning materials, cosmetics, inks, pleather, paints, paper coatings, pesticides/fungicides, plastics, polyesters and textile fibres.” (Ok, I am sure that soy protein isn’t as scary as that passage just made it sound, but it sure does give a girl pause!)
“Cheddar cheese” –- I'm sorry, I couldn’t help putting cheese in quotation marks!
Whey -– “Whey proteins primarily consist of α-lactalbumin and β-lactoglobulin. Depending on the method of manufacture, whey may also contain glycomacropeptides (GMP).”
Onion powder
Whey protein concentrate –- often used in body-building supplements, this is basically pure, milk-derived bioactive protein (Why it is included in my most favorite of bright orange “foods,” I can’t seem to figure out. It doesn’t sound terribly sinister, so I will forgive its inclusion.)
Corn syrup solids –- sweetener and thickener, dried corn syrup consisting mostly of dextrose. “Corn syrup contains no nutritional value other than calories, promotes tooth decay, and is used mainly in foods with little intrinsic nutritional value.”
Natural flavor –- huh?
Buttermilk solids –- analogous to dried milk as far as food additives are concerned. “Buttermilk is the liquid remaining from the cream after the butter has been removed from the churn. (This buttermilk should not be confused with the fluid buttermilk sold to consumers, a cultured lowfat milk that resembles buttermilk.)”
Garlic powder
Disodium phosphate –- “Disodium phosphate is a sodium salt of orthophosphoric acid and is used as an antioxidant synergist, stabiliser and buffering agent in food. It is also used as an emulsifier in the manufacture of pasteurised processed cheese. Disodium phosphate is added to powdered milk to prevent gelation.” Note: harmful if ingested in quantity. (Oooook, limiting Cheeto intake starting... NOW!)
Sodium diacetate –- basically vinegar in solid form, this additive is used as an antimicrobial/preservative and to add a tangy flavor to foods
Sodium caseinate –- milk protein conjugate used as a binder, emulsifier, or thickener, likely used in the “cheese” in Cheetos
Lactic acid –- “…fermented from lactose (milk sugar), most commercially used lactic acid is derived by using bacteria such as Bacillus acidilacti, Lactobacillus delbueckii or Lactobacillus bulgaricus to ferment carbohydrates from nondairy sources such as cornstarch, potatoes and molasses. usually either as a pH adjusting ingredient, or as a preservative (either as antioxidant or for control of pathogenic micro-organisms).”
Disodium inosinate –- disodium salt of inosinic acid. (That clarifies everything, huh?) Used in concert with MSG to trigger the umami taste receptors
Disodium guanylate –- “… often added to foods in conjunction with disodium inosinate; the combination is known as disodium 5’-ribonucleotides. Disodium guanylate is produced from dried fish or dried seaweed and is often added to instant noodles, potato chips and snacks, savoury rice, tinned vegetables, cured meats, packet soup. …The food additives disodium inosinate and disodium guanylate are useful only in synergy with MSG-containing ingredients, and provide a likely indicator of the presence of MSG in a product."
Nonfat milk solids
Sodium citrate –- sodium salt of citric acid, added for tartness and to balance pH
Carrageenan –- obtained from seaweed, indigestible large protein used as a thickening, stabilizing and gelling agent

Whew! What I found most interesting in this chemical roster is the amount of MSG and MSG analogs -– no fewer than four separate chemicals to trigger that sought-after umami flavor. Cheetos also contain a fair number of preservatives and stabilizers, all chemicals with natural derivations, but chemicals nonetheless. My conclusion? You probably won’t die from eating a bag (or two or three or eight) of Cheetos every once in a while, but perhaps it’s best not to make a habit of it!

Roxanne:

Twenty years ago this morning, I was lying on a hospital bed waiting for the birth of my third child. My husband had left with the nurse to put on his scrubs, and I was left alone to think. It was a moment I'll never forget. For various reasons, my husband and I had decided that three children was enough. I was going to have my "tubes tied" after the baby was born via scheduled C-section. But, secretly, I had always wanted six children -- so, even though I knew getting my tubes tied was the practical thing to do -- I was sad.

A soothsayer once told me that he'd never met "a true earth mother" till he met me. I don't know about that, but I do know that I loved being pregnant. I'm wierd, I know, but I did. I loved the nurturing and nature of it all. I loved the movement in my belly. I loved the closeness that only pregnancy can offer, that unique closeness with another human being. And this would be the last day I would ever feel that kind of closeness.

We wanted a boy but loved our two daughters so it didn't really matter what we had. "We just want it to be healthy." If it was a boy, he would be named James Marshall Cook III and we would call him Trey. If it was a girl, we'd have to decide between the twenty or so names we'd narrowed down.

On the operating table, I felt them tug and pull and then out came a beautiful baby girl! She was healthy and strong and, did I mention that she was beautiful? Then the doctor asked if I was sure I wanted my tubes tied. "If you're only 99.9 percent sure, then you shouldn't do it." My husband was at my side and said, "If you don't want to, you don't have to." I knew he knew that I knew what he was thinking, so I said, "No, don't do it." I knew he wanted to try again for a boy... fine by me.

After they had finished with me and cleaned up our new daughter, my husband and I shared a few moments together just looking at her. She was so beautiful! We couldn't wait for her sisters to see her. We were over-the-moon happy! He left to tell the good news to those who had gathered in the waiting room. They told me he entered the room singing, "Roxanne!" My best friend was the only one who understood the meaning of his song -- "It's a girl!"

No, we didn't name her Roxanne (!) and, no, we didn't have any more children. We thought about trying again a few years later and even read literature about "spinning sperms," but we loved our family just as it was and decided that it was the way it was meant to be. Thank heaven for little girls!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step:
Today is an important day. It is the start of what will probably be a very long and complex search. I am going to find myself. You see, up to now, my life has been full of compromises. I have no idea who I really am.

Hope you will come along for the ride!